This review is a little bit late due to my partner cracking under the strain and insisting we watch The Life of Brian instead of another episode of Bachie. It's only four episodes in and he's already cracking.
But Bachelor fans - true Bachelor fans - are made out of sterner stuff. We have weathered Nikki being dumped instead of Alex. We have survived the Heather The Cool Girl saga. We have looked at many bland men on our screens and wondered why these women were going wild for a Bachelor with the excitement level of clingwrap. (And not the good strong clingwrap either, the terrible Homebrand one which falls off your sandwich by 10am).
Instead of a city we open on HB sitting on a log in the water, with an unimpressed heron looking on. It doesn't really scream 'hubba hubba' to me as all I can think about are the fish pooing near his feet.
HB asks Dasha on a date. Dasha's defining characteristics is that she's an Easten European yummy mummy, a schtick that has been done before with past winner Snez.
Man. I can't even think of anything cutting to say about this dud of a date. Maybe my fella made the right call in making me watch Michael Palin lisp "Biggus! Dickus!" whilst dressed as a Roman emperor instead.
Back at the seething hive of women, Cat and Romy are still being dicks, which is ironic as Romy has a 'The Future is Female' shirt.
Romy no doubt is one of the people who calls themselves a 'feminist' for owning the entire Taylor Swift discography, but would go blank if you asked if she's ever read bell hooks.
Oh God this boring date with Dasha is still going and now I have to link Russians to chardonnay which makes me think of the Trump Pee Tape and I hate EVERYTHING.
At least here is some violence to bring things back to normal. Plain Scone in a plain hat chooses a team, and the even meaner version of Peanuts' Lucy chooses another.
The only winner in my eyes is Vanessa. She has gone from 'I'm Vanessa SuNshINe!" to the female version of Ted Bundy in 2.0 seconds and I am here for it.
The game itself has the contestants shoot each other with arrows and be sent to jail for... crimes? I don't really know, I'm hypnotised by all the ugly outfits.
Cat wins the date by viciously shooting her rivals in the head. It's like Scarface, except with less cocaine and more Chemist Warehouse fragrances.
Unfortunately on said date Cat becomes, ah... pushy the way that Romy did.
REAL TALK FOR A MINUTE: So the way to look at this is to understand that a lot of people have a screwed up idea of what consent and flirting is and this is why all of us need to have real and honest conversations about power and communication in relationships. It’s depressing, but it can change.
But least HB is waking up to the fact that he's but a lone man adrift in a sea of desperate socialites who want their time on camera. Maybe his Mad Max-style analogy in regards to dating wasn't just his usual babble but a coded cry for help.
At the cocktail party a woman who loudly declared the word MOIST made an enemy of me for life, and Cass continues her attempts to win over HB with tactics which include stalking and speaking like a breathless five year old.
Yet the producers decide to keep her around to stare into Nick's soul another day, and instead two randos get the chop because time is money and clearly most of the budget was blown on high definition shots of herons.
Before leaving one of the randos gets their moment to trend on Twitter for a second by declaring that she had to shave her legs for this experiment.
Is this a new sensation for her? Shaving her legs? Is she secretly a sasquatch that left her jungle to come to the mansion, hungry for cheap wall ivy? We shall never know.
RECOMMENDED: The Bachelor Ep 3